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Saturday, September 13, 2008

i want a pistachio

so anyway, i wonder what is it like to start work? hmmm... will i be really busy and have no time to catch my breath?

so the boyfren spoken to me once in eh... 5days.. personally i dun like it at all but his side of story is he is really REALLY busy. i asked nonchalantly: hmm.. so when u tink u will be busy till? him: till around xmas... heh.. from now busy till xmas. talk once a week (if im lucky, i tink). no no.. i meant, contact once a week.. not like talk talk wor... the once a week is eh... phonecall abit + msn. the rest of the time, nope. no msn. no sms. no phonecalls. i wonder if how long will it take for him to realise if i were to suddenly like. disappear now. im guessing... hmm 2weeks, maybe? i duno... am i asking too much. but ive also been very VERY busy before. i still had time to scratch my back so i find it very hard to see y u didnt have time or energy to pretend to be concern for ur gf, assuming u still remember u have got one. huh.. 10mins a day better than none. no no.. im begging 5mins. 5 mins mite make me very happy already. dun let me noe u have been doing origami or smt like tat. or have time to go out and chill and socialise. i shall be very disappointed. of cos u need to have ur life... but im hoping im slightly abit more impt than ur origami and new frens and wats not. considering the fact we communicate like, once in a blue BLUE MOON nowadays... the more time goes by, the more i wonder; can two people still be together if they only have love and dun seem to have anyting else.

and oh! i purposely went to help u buy ur colleague's fren's ROM or smt present. it was drizzling and pretty cold. i was miserable and alone. jus immediately buying tat, i felt... i duno.. come to tink of it. i dun even noe ur colleague. and u dun even noe ur colleague's fren! so wat if the willowtree figurine is nice? suddenly i feel very selfish but im like... i duno... u help ur colleague tink of wat present to give her fren... (ok. not tink tink. but concerned enough. i tot u very busy?) tats like... more attentive and caring than towards me la! i so feel so loved. u didnt force me to buy. u even mentioned smt like, if cannot post back or smt, nevermind.. but i jus felt that u wanted me to get it for her.. come on... save some tender loving care for me too. tis is getting ridiculous already. but thank god, im slowly but surely adjusting to it already, i tink...
if u didnt want me to be too needy etc, dun worry, u r slowly training me to be a stronger person... but sometimes i tink... logically speaking.. if i become a stronger person i mite not need u anymore... cos come to tink of it... hmm.. can i put it tis way? so a person is not so healthy, hence must take vitamins... u want the person to be healthy, so thank god, the person really became healthy... but then he wont need to take the vitamins anymore.. so wat? say goodbye to the vitamins, tats wat!

i had a heart-to-heart session with one of my fr so many tings en... he was quite a good listener, and surprisingly, hmm.. how to put it... (althou it was over msn...) i felt he cared and didnt give absolute advice, thou he mentioned some tings which i tot made sense... i always feel im taking advantage of the bf... taking him for granted. cos he do alot of tings for me physically and materially... but he dun ever give me the feeling tat he NEEDS me, not in a long while... i have always felt tat if i were to disappear from his life, he wont shed, erm. 2 tears. he mite prolly be abit upset at all the investments and time wasted on me. ok. maybe he wont tink tat way.. but some how, jus somehow, i dun feel tat im very important to him... i cant place wat i feel.. its jus... a feeling. the only time i felt he needed me was.. eh.. heh when he was in J2. and he was freaking stressed over his A level art proj. he confided in me tat one time. he hardly tells me tings, come to tink of it.. or the few personal tings he tells, it mostly began with... im not supposed to tell u... or... u mus pretend u duno... u treat me like an outsider sometimes... u may tink u r protecting me cos, me being sad with u dun solve anyting.. and u dun want me to be sad... but i want to feel INVOLVED... see? so anyway, come to tink of it... wat my snr said made sense.. he drew for me... and made origami for me... im thankful and very touched.. but so wat? almost everyone in the world had an origami of his, or some very sweet cute card he drew.... i noe its a small ting... but eh... it matters... (to be fair, i also received some tings other ppl didnt have. eh.. like a camera - i loved it, thanks! or eh... the webcam cos i was bugging him some time cos i cant see him. then he went to buy the webcam.. so im touched. but its also ok only.. hehe.. cos he bought but he didnt use it anyway... he treats me food (but i guess he will do tat to any girl he brings out for meals. on a sidenote: having a gentlemanly boyfren is also not a good ting.. cos he is spreading and sharing all his love... i dun like.. i like my bf to be nice and sweet to me ONLY! thou he can be humane to the rest of the world. hehe...) eh... ive received many material tings i guess... but wat i like most is his handmade presents... when i started dating him.. i tried to make tings for him too.. but sadly, i failed miserably... in the end i stopped embarassing myself... heh.. its crazy.. i mutilated alot of tings and still gave him... feeling very impressed with myself... now tinking back.. its so ugly how did i find the guts to give it out?! heh... and another impt factor is i didnt feel wat i made or got for him is appreciated anyway... so i bought for him wat.. clothes? his brother and sister take and wear.. waterbottles? his dad and sister took. perfume? now his brother smells like him sometimes... zzzzzz....... im, i duno.. kind of weird maybe? but i got abit OCD. i like cleanliness... like... hmmm.. emotionally anyway.. heh. like i cant help it but make it a very clear distinction tat i do not wear any other guy's clothes or shirt other than my bf's (siblings and family not included), i do not like to sit next to some other guy if my bf is ard. i do not give guys any special ting i made. i always try to make my guy more special than the other fren i see everyday...) so anyway... of all the many many tings he gave me... hmm... i treasure the book of bears he drew for me most.. cos i tink/hope its still unique to me... i tink/hope im the only living person to have get someting like tat from him.. and i noe when he drew tat and gave it to me... he was loving me very much and i felt treasured and someone special... tat person, he didnt change yet.. tats the guy who told me: i brought u along so u wont misunderstand, and so i wont "lead her on". so the story was.. he was VERY convinced tat fren A (girl, of cos) liked him (thou i always laugh at him and he didnt exactly confirm with the girl outright anyway). so frenA asked him out to watch tis movie which he also wanted to watch.. so in the end, he asked me too... so its me. frenA and him... tat was sweet.. i tink i remembered him saying he brought me along to show frenA he has got a gf and so i wont misunderstand... where is the person who decided wat his gf tot (me, of cos) was more important than wat any other girl tinks? where is the person who placed me before any random fren?! sometimes i tink i do not trust u. and i feel very insecure... my brother ever asked me smt like tat before... like tis girl "dumped" him (were they even together in the 1st place?! hurhur!!! haha!) so anyway, the girl told him she didnt feel special.. cos he send the girlfren home.. true.. but he also send every other girl home. he pays for her movie tix.. so wat? he pays for everyother girl's movie tix. i asked my brother, so did u guys, hmm.. hold hands? him: yep. me: but she still dumped u? him: yah.. wat i told my brother is.... when the girl tells u she dun feel secure with u, u mus always ask urself, if she is ur gf, it means she is special... special means doing tings for her and her only... if she dun feel secure, u mus tink back and see wat havnt u done enough to make her want to stay with u? hehe... i can advise ppl. but when it comes to me... i cant apply it... if i were any smarter, or sassier.. or even... more true to myself i would have said, thanks for all these yrs... goodbye and i wish u love... i mean... do i want to be married with a guy who makes me tink left right center every day when he dun call me? or talk to me? very mentally draining u noe? do i want to be be suspicious and paranoid all my life, jus cos my partner is talking to some other girl? i do not... dear diary. and dear god. please let tings turn for the better everyday, esp when i go back sg for good. i want to have a very nice love story tat goes on and on.. till i die or smt... heh... but we shall see... i noe the world dun revolve ard me... i noe u dun revolve ard me.. but hey fren, look over more often cos im supposedly ur girlfren, the one who u get to kiss and hug and hold hands.

sigh.. my blog was a happy collection of memories... since when its all about the bf and noting else? i noe.. sad life...

I WANT A PISTACHIO!!!

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 4:07 am.
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