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Sunday, June 22, 2008

SHE CANT BREATHE

this blogger is very frustrated and at a cross road.. she thinks she is going mad and cant make a choice!

=(

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 1:28 am.
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Sunday, June 01, 2008

She is dying and being a bitch bout it

Omg. Im suffocating i cant breathe. im like, halfway done with my seminar slides and presentations and its freaking 340am on a saturday nite and the seminar is due 1st ting on monday morning. AND on top of it ive yet to do my seminar handouts. not to say i wont get it done by tml but the ting is, i feel so frustrated now i cant continue to work and i dun wanna sleep yet, cos my slides are so near yet so far done.

Im in one of those crappy moods and feel like noting is ever rite and i feel my heart constricting and pumping really fast like there is some impending dread i cant foresee yet.

and for 2TWO!!! freaking days in a row ive been having the same nitemare bout my participants pulling out of my experiment. now i will never graduate from honours and will go home in shame and i will prolly jus kill myself. jus take watever is left in my will to pay for the bills and make urself happy, whoever (frens n family) is reading this. im sure i wont be need sg bills down-under. but maybe i will go up there cos i dun tink im a very evil person who has accumulated alot of bad karma. the nitemare is so bad i sleep at 4am+ the past 2 nites and i jump up at like 9am cos of that freak nitemare, its not a good sign. ppl who know me know i dont wake up (jump up naturally) THAT EARLY. and i cant really bitch (not tat i do often anyway) bout things thats not happening my way (imagined or not) cos its really kinda my own business and who can i bitch to? everyone is busy with their own tings i cant be selfish and add on to their troubles. and if they are not troubled do i want them to be troubled with my troubles, assuming they even care?

omg i sound like some desperate person here and the ting is. i duno y im desperate. and oh. the bitch ting in my title. im resorting to looking at the pictures of the earthquake disaster in sichuan, china to remind me my problems are soooo small and minute compared to them, so i shd jus thank my lucky stars and quit complaining. it worked. for a grand total of wat. 10mins? theoretically im not one to blog in such a tone (proof = my past posts) but i duno wat ive been infected with. and its bitch cos like. i feel like im building my happiness on the sadness of all those poor souls in china.

im assuming no one is gonna read my blog for a long long time, since i jus changed my blog address and i dun intend to advertise my blog yet since i blog like.. once a month? heh. so theoretically tat means i can write pretty much watever i want. yay. here goes. im obsessed. im obsessed with the letter Q. and i will pick up all the Qs in a sentence and HATE THEM and X THEM OUT. i feel like ive got some illness. haha.. i noe. im weird. i read somewhere that the final test of faith is not how much you believe, but how much you love. food for thoughts! how true. if u love, u will have faith. and i tink u believe, hence u have faith in that person? but actually our belief is stemmed from how much we love. thats y ppl turn a blind eye when they are in love. they are in love, which makes them believe, which gives them faith. even when the entire world is telling you you r being a nincompoop for still believing. wait. i hope im making some sense here.. now i do not have faith. does it mean i do not love as much? maybe. watever. some part of me is like.. dun even have to try really hard to not love as much, cos the more we love, the more it hurts. rite?

it always seems like a myth, the old adage. it goes smt like this -trust is like glass. u can fix it if its broken but u can always still see the imperfections.- smt like that la.. u always TINK u can trust someone but tink again. u sure? and the funny, idiotic and oh so ironic thing is, the trust dun even have to be broken. how many times have u not trust someone, not because he or she have broken the promise before, but because u TINK they are not trustworthy? ahah! see wat i mean.. it takes jus one mistake to lose one's trust. but then again, is the trust lost because of a mistake made? or is the trust lost because U TINK the mistake has been made? then the mistrust. omg. i tell u, from a 1st hand experience, it eats into u and leaves u with jus an empty shell, a ghost of ur former self. no longer can u be happy with tat person because u r gonna doubt everyting he or she say. i mean, wats the fun with trying to read between the lines, EVERYTIME? and the ting is, u cant control it. and cos im a woman and lately i tink i have slowly began to appreciate wat they call a woman's intuition. i mean, i always tot it was jus a myth. but then again, maybe not! so its a vicious cycle. the mistrust eats into u and u doubt every other ting the person say (or not say. remember, boys and girls, when someone dun say someting, its also as telling as saying someting. heh. i cant help but give another eg, since im like, the science student. proving someting does not happen is as impt as proving it happening. get it? proving caffeine DOES NOT WORK is jus as impt as PROVING CAFFEINE WORKS.) heh.. so the cycle continues. i jus wonder. is it possible to go back to the basics, before it got so complicated? or do u call a stop to tis before u drive urself mad with paranoia and no one, trust me, no one will appreciate or tolerate a paranoid who seems to be picking on tings that do not seem to exist. its tiring for the person. and its also tiring for the paranoid's soul. u could spend ur time doing better tings, u noe! so. do u stop and say good riddance before u lose urself? or do u cling on and hope for some miracle?

boys and girls, thats my qn of the day, which is quite mad, heh, since no one reads tis blog who am i asking?! never mind, when my mood becomes better or when i get the answer (whichever comes 1st) i will answer my own answer.

for now, hello world and good nite.
~gingin~

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 3:39 am.
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