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Monday, September 01, 2008

1st sep 2008

hi. its me again. im feeling pretty down most days these days. and im not liking it a single bit. its kinda crazy. honours is no joke. it makes people crazy. and it makes the people around the crazy ppl crazy too.

i feel quite... evil i guess.
so last nite my fren asked me if i could help her with her expt. i wasnt willing at all, since it was really early for me and i planned to have a late nite to do my work.
but i agreed in the end.. not without some internal whines with myself.

i guess i just wanted to tell someone. thou i dun tink i REALLY dont want to help. but jus. its jus at that moment, i want to tell someone.

so ahah! i told my bf bout it. i didnt noe wat kind of response i was hoping for when i told him tat. after hearing his response thou, i knew wat kind of response i hoped to hear. i hoped to hear him say: -yes. i understand its tiring. hang in there.- or smt like tat.. he dun really have to understand. but instead wat i got was... sorta like a *snigger-ish laugh. tat laugh hinted that perhaps he tot im really quite childish to be complaining. cos i was saying smt like... i always woke up very early to help her. alot of times already leh... him. -frens do not count the number of times they helped one another. and u like tat already started to whine. next time u go work how? tell ur boss -its too early, can i come in later?- me: (i knew frens do not count the number of times they helped each other and i will prolly have very bad karma tinking tat way. but at the same time, im not sure tats the kind of reply i wanna hear). me:-silence-. me: -u noe, u could have jus said, its ok. hang in there. she is also very nice to you. tis sort of tings-. him:-ok la.. sorry la. etc etc...- i tuned out. cos i noe what he said initially was correct anyway. its jus.. perhaps it would be nice to have someone lie to me and say. yes i understand.

its times like this i felt that there is no point continuing this charade. i mean. i love him. but the love i envisioned wasnt like this. he ever told me. that there was a 3 straight day holiday and everyone is out and ard. he didnt have a date. im not ard and none of his other frens were free. i was apologetic. but there was noting i could do. hello. im also very lonely here without u ok! i noe im here, hence in theory it shd be my fault. but i somehow feel that it cant be my fault entirely. although its not urs too. i wish. if i had a time machine. maybe we shd have jus broken up when i was bout to come here... or maybe. i wished that time, i didnt slip my tongue and made a fool of myself (that's how we got to noe and started talking to each other, isnt it?) i perhaps mite have been happier. or wait. i mite not have been happier. but at least, there is a chance i wont be tis sad. its amazing how i have integrated u into my life. and how big a mistake tat was. thou looking back, there didnt seem like there was anyting i could do to stop it.

how bout that... if there was a rewind button, lets... but no. there were very sweet moments too.
but somehow i cant seem to remember them very clearly. my eyes. they are covered with tears.

i noe tis ting happened a long time ago. i tink i told u bout it before. but perhaps it was in a conversation i didnt have time to organise my tots porperly.

let me tell a story....

once, quite some time ago, u went overseas with a bunch of ppl u have never met. to do ur attachment for sch. and cos u have to eat and live and work with them, getting along with them is very important. suddenly u didnt have time for me. at all. i lost to some stupid idol drama! omg. tinking back. yes. im not pleased. but its ok. im not TAT petty. not yet anyway.
then. some colleague/schmate had birthday. prolly u tot, y waste money on buying material presents when u can make/draw someting better and its free?! hence u drew her a very sweet drawing... i would like to tink, long before, im a very liberal and best girlfen. i didnt noe wat jealousy or paranoia was. i dun tink i told u before, but that drawing u drew for her? it was very nice. but then again. there was a red heart at the bottom of the page. i duno man. but if some guy drew me tat and added a heart, i would tink perhaps he is 1% interested in me? and then, after the attachment, u went on a short holiday ard china. i didnt noe from u 1st hand that ur companions were 2 girls. and i didnt noe that u guys shared a room. well. it really wasnt a big ting, i guess. if u would have told me i would have understood. but i dun remember u saying that. and hence when i knew of it. it was like, i got strucked by lightning. quite a shock. thou it really didnt matter to me. poor students share a room, tat i can accept. even if its with 2 girls. thanks to that reminder call... it seemed to have stirred someting in me. something i tot it didnt exist in me.

but ahah! i was wrong. it was jus dormant. its there. there is actually a suspicious, sneaky, untrusting monster in me. u told me u didnt even remotely like her and she was really not v pretty looking. i saw her pics. she was... well... ok. by right i shd be comforted and the monster shd jus go back and sleep. but somehow. it didnt.

from then on. i was unhappy. and still am unhappy.

and then.. i guess i didnt noe when the exact timeline was. but the monster woke up. and didnt go back to sleep. the tings came in waves. then there is the HER saga. haha.. its so ridiculous i dun even want to talk bout it. ur side of the story is tat tings are NOT POSSIBLE btw u guys... i believe u. i really do. but i jus cant get the monster back to sleep. u see... i have got a pretty darn good imagination. and it didnt help that i was already insecure from the 1st time. and it really really didnt helped that she had to be the 1st person i knew of which u made a rose and drew a card and mailed it to whoever was consolidating the card. and it really didnt helped that she was the 1st person, other than me, whom u have played the piano for and posted on the blog. and it really REALLY didnt help that she is drop dead pretty and cute. with big eyes and small nose etc. y. she looked straight out of some jap manga! and it didnt helped that u were frens with her, meaning she musnt have been a bitch or smt. and then... i was really unhappy bout it. she didnt have to do be extra frenly to u; and u didnt have to be extra nice to her. but her presence alone is a threat. wow. i resorted to suspecting tis and that, left and right. i really dun like the person ive become. i hate myself. and then. i told u bout it. u reassured me. the day before i left for oz, u told me again u cant have liked her. i asked for 10 reasons. u could only very very lamely cough out a few. amongst were reasons like.. she is too smart. etc etc. i told u very softly, i cant remember if u heard it. i told u very softly. i regret asking for 10 reasons and u can stop. cos the truth is u cant tink of 10 reasons. and i dun wan to noe u cant tink of even at least 2 proper ones.

oh. and so many tings! like tat time i went over to ur hall and was mucking ard randomly. perhaps i have abit of 6th sense. i saw tis collection of winnie the pooh short stories. and then. i turned to u and asked. is it her's? u said yup. my heart sank. it doesnt matter wat the truth is. wat matters is wat i tink. isnt it? i put the books back like they were poison. very fast and i stood far away from it. shd i be happy cos u saw no reason to lie when i asked if it were hers? or shd i be sad that it was even with u in the 1st place?

there was once u had a picture of a muffin. the muffin was say... a bite eaten? i didnt noe wat it was at 1st. so i asked. wats tat pic? since it was like brownish looking and quite unfamiliar.
u noe wat u said? u said u were walking along jurong point and u walked past famous amos. u tot the muffins smelt nice so u bought one. i'ld say. u didnt buy it. and u jus cooked up a lie. cos, thou i wont say i noe u very well, the 6 yrs ive been with u, u have never wanted to buy or eat a muffin. and the muffin smelling nice from famous amos, it wasnt anyting new anyway, isnt it? the nice aroma has always been there. and u tell me u walked past it and it smelt nice so u bought?! and u expect me to believe u?! do i really look tat dumb? but then again. u were right. i didnt believe u. but i pretended to anyway. its almost the same. isnt it? i am not that dumb. but i pretend to be. i didnt asked u again bout the origin of the muffin. but i can bet my bottom dollar its from her. and u took that picture to show ur appreciation for her gift to u. i tot tat was quite sweet of u. but i didnt understand y u had to do that. perhaps i am too sensitive? but u have recieved alot of tings. and u do not take a pic and used it as ur msn picture. y is this time so special? is the person who gave it to u special? was the muffin especially nice? did it taste sweet? and soft? thanks to u. i quite dislike muffins now. haha. very childish. bleah.

i told u, maybe not the whole reason y i dislike her. but since considering u r not stupid, i tot the tings i said would have given u a hint already. but hey. u noe wat? assuming u knew i dun "heart" her, u didnt care. of cos u said nice tings and reassured me. but hey fren? actions speak louder than words. then the saga died down. then. i went back for the july break tis yr. u had a grad ball on the week im back. ryan didnt want to go. and u asked me to go. since there was an empty ticket anyway. i didnt want to. i feel abit inferior and i didnt want to see HER, cos im assuming she would be there. well... after much cajoling from u, i gave in, tinking, how bad can a dinner be? i can deal with my inferiority, cant i? then after i have pretty much agreed to go, u dropped the bomb. u kindly told me we will be sitting at the same table as her. once again im in a dilemma. shd i be thankful and tink u r a best bf for warning me b4hand and wanted me to go, which mite translate to u had noting to hide and be sneaky about? or shd i have jus walked away there and then cos, ITS HER AGAIN. and wat the hell are u doing on the same table as her anyway?! its very irrational of me i admit. after all, u guys were frens and classmates. y cannot, rite? and in ur course, seems like u didnt have lots of ppl to hang out with anyway. i cant blame u for sitting at the same table as her. but i did. and i still do. tat dinner. it was the worst dinner i ever attended. the food and the ambience were both wasted on me. fullerton u noe... but i could have been sitting at some void deck coffeeshop and i wont have known the difference. i ignored u pretty much the whole nite. on the way home, i told u once again how i disliked her. u reassured me saying, dun worry. not schooling anymore, wont have much chance to keep in touch. im reassured. but then again. not quite. she is ur fren still, isnt it? then again, so wat if she disappeared from the face of the earth. wont there be her-the-2nd? or her-the-3rd? both of us are still so young. we will get to meet alot alot. many many ppl as we grow. it hit me quite hard that the prob is jus btw u and me. as u said. she mite slowly fade out in ur life. but there will always be other ppl who u will meet, isnt it? i was upset at tis realisation. but then again. i told myself not to tink bout it.

last nite, i didnt want to do my work. so i went onto facebook. heh. i went to my bf's page. and saw this cute flower made from balloons? i duno. maybe i am asking for too much. but i felt abit zzz-ed at not noeing tats wat u r playing with these days. nevermind. i went to have a look, since u posted the pic on ur facebook. heh, guess wat?
she wrote:
Oh cool! You managed to do the flower band. Haha... Did you pop the balloon halfway like the guy in the video did?
u wrote:
No la, just deflate only...

hehe.. guess wat? wat u mean, u managed to do the flower band?! u mean u were tinking of doing it? wat u mean, did u pop the balloon halfway like the guy in the video did? wat video?!
it was so ridiculous. it was even funnier when i felt upset seeing tat. did i really tink u will servere all ties with her?! and then i laughed. tinking so many tings happened to u everyday, at every second. do i expect u to tell me bout it? im crazy to even expect tat! so in the end, i laughed. i laughed at my naiveness at that tot. yes yes. u wont like her and its really bad of me to keep tinking that way. if i could, i also dun wanna be so uptight and sensitive. u can teach me how?

i tot my laughter sounded worse than crying.





You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 7:07 pm.
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