It's Not As Bad As It Seems;

Thursday, May 04, 2006

As i look back on my 21 yrs...

i guess age 21 is a step into adulthood and i would like to take tis time to reflect on my life so far. as i look back on my 21 years of history, i had some good memories, some bad ones, some regrets, some proud moments.
i was born on May 4th, 1985, a 3am-ish baby... i didnt have much of a childhood, and not as many childhood frens as i liked. cos i wasnt brought down to the playgrounds much i guess... hang on a minute! where i stay, there wasnt a playground nearby. haha.. i guess that says for y i didnt have much of a childhood. attended PAP kindergarden near my house... had some frens but is not in contact with any of them. i dun even remember their names, much less their faces! i guess they didnt make much of an impact on me anyway... heh.
and we had homework back then. i was taken care of by a nanny who stayed in my block. i made her do my homework for me! i was quite evil back then. i swear! maths and chinese... which is y from pri sch i didnt have much of a headstart cos i was jus lazy. and when i DID my work, i was damn bloody S L O W can! sigh... i guess that sorta predicted wat direction my studies would take le...

then, i went to Jurong Primary Sch. it was my dad's pri sch and i guess its downhill for my entire pri sch career. hah. i was in class 1G and i had a couple of "frens". they were frens alright. up till primary 4. i didnt know wat went wrong man. they werent the best kind of frens but at that age, i tot they were the best. (wat was i tinking?!) we didnt do homework together, we made excuses together, we did all the bad tings together. haha. we covered up for each other! if by pri sch standards there was such a ting called "bad influence", i guess it was them. or jus us... the bad tings jus rubbed on each other... haha... they werent bad people i guess, but it was unfortunate for all of us. if only we had not cliqued together. if only we had more studious frens each. but if only huh... =)
then we took sch bus together. did u noe, even at that age, we had politics! in the sch bus we had these seniors and they "ruled". i offended tis snr. i tot she was over-bearing. i told her off and she wasnt happy. she was smart. she got one of them to deal with me. tis "fren" SY, (gosh, i still remember their names?!) went up to me one day and slapped me. it wasnt tat pain, at least i didnt remember it being that pain, but it hurt. the contact point was my face but the place where it hurt was my heart. i was near traumatised can?! i was like, wat the hell was tat?! i later found out thru XE the whole story. suffice to say, tat day was the last day i ever looked her properly in the eye. XE still hung out with her, so to avoid SY, i didnt tok much to her either. n u noe, i spent 4 yrs with them. by then everyone had their own frens, own cliques. it was hard for me to join in. n from pri1 to pri4, i was jus smoking my way thru... i didnt put much effort in studies and its good proof that wat u do,( or DIDNT) will come back to haunt u. wat i dont noe jus accumulate la! haha.. i was always struggling with studies.
i tink im one of the few ppl in spore to not get all As in pri1. its damn throw face can! but i pulled my socks up in pri4 and i got into class 5C. it was the best ting tat happened to me. it was a good EM2 class. it was a chummy class. we worked hard together. we played hard together. we had good class spirit. we had fun working hard together! we didnt have much "clique" ting going, the whole class was THE clique! i got close to this girl called E. we hung out together and we were the best of frens. i was glad! she was like me, i guess. by then English was my pet subject and i was loving it. E's english was good too and tat was wat binded us together at 1st i guess. u guys may not believe it, but i was a Banana back then. serious lor. totally.
then pri6 i didnt do as well and i dropped to class 6D. things there were not that happening. the class spirit etc wasnt there but it was more or less alrite, i guess. During then, i had tis group of very good frens, all guys but all we were the bunch man! i didnt share much secrets with them, but they made good company. then a moment had to happen again. its when we got back our term1 english results. by then, it was evident who were the ppl leading the english marks in class le.it was E, with me and a few others leading the way. everyone was expecting who to get the best marks for english, it was E of cors! so when teacher gave the papers back,( it was in order of marks), i was NOT expecting my name 1st. so i was tokin to fren next to me, totally in our world. Jinwen. talk talk. Jinwen! continue tokin. JINWEN! oh! i went up, got my paper, saw my marks. i was damn happy la! it was a high mark, i remembered. i did one of the most stupid ting in my 12 yrs. i went up to E and asked her, so, how did u go?! i didnt notice her upset face. i found out later i got better marks than her. she didnt speak to me tat day. nor the next. nor the next next. i didnt dare to bug her, tot giving her space was wat she needed. she tot i was being snobbish. she wrote me letters saying how fake she tot i was. @$#%@!%? wat the?!
up till now, i only suspect its that incident, i didnt confirm with her. cos it was after that day tings soured. and tat sums up my pri sch life. oh ya! mum sent me for piano lessons when i was pri2. i got as far as grade1. haha! cos the teacher made me draw the notes and i HATED it. i refused to draw and during my lessons when i could play the piano, she made me do my work. its a vicious cycle. thats when i decided to tell mum i had enuf. and tats tat! i regreted tat. stupidest decision ever made. now i see ppl play the piano and im drop-dead envious can. the music can never flow out from my fingers. =(

i went to Jurong Secondary School. i got into volleyball and student council. i would like to take tis chance to say a "Thank you" to the teacher-in-charge for choosing me. being in the volleyball team gave me close frens i otherwise couldnt meet. it let me meet xinlun and she is my best fren now. thru vb i oso got to noe ppl like leeying, min etc etc, u noe who u r. =) i oso got introduced to the fantastic game of volleyball and ive been hooked ever since. Its my passion, i'd say. but i didnt have a smooth-sailing or an even near ok vb career. i tink e teacher and coach condemned me. serious. granted, i wasnt a talented player. but looking back, i can safely say i gave my 110%. i knew i wasnt favoured, which is y i wanted even more to prove my worth. i was almost sacked like 3 times in 4 yrs can! i dun tink i was THAT bad, but i wasnt good either. i guess its a confidence thing to start with. then its a skill ting. it was a vicious cycle. i played a bad ball. my confidence is wrecked. i keep tinkin bout tat. then the next ball came n i couldnt forget my bad ball and i was flustered. i gave another bad ball. n on and on it went. i guess i cant blame the TIC for overlooking me. after all, we had a tradition to uphold. we are the TOP vball team in spore. how do u tink we got that far every yr?! well, the secret is out. we focused on the top few. the rest were not even reserves. the rest were jus ball-pickers to support the top 7 or 8. but tat worked. it got us the dream top 8. but it also meant it pulled the difference btw a good player and lousy player even bigger. well, guess it was jus bad luck for me. but i hate my TIC for another reason. p/s : it takes alot for me to hate someone but i HATE her.
v suay, she was also my house mistress. i sprained my ankle during training in sec2. but that was after i got chosen to represent my house for High jump, Long jump and Triple jump. i tot, finally, somewhere i could prove my worth! then i had to sprain my ankle. i didnt want to do the warmup for vb after 1 week of rest. felt my ankle couldnt take it. so, the evil TIC cancelled my name from ALL 3 events, telling me, "since u still injured i get someone else to jump for me." She striked my name out from the list IN FRONT OF ME. can i jus say there was still a good 1 monthe away from the sports day???! I WAS ONLY 14 YRS OLD CAN?! I WAS TRAUMATISED. sch sports day - ALL my teammates were out there competing. i was at the spec stand. i cried my eyes out can. for the rest of my 4 yrs, cos in the 1st place i duno the proper techniques to jump, i can never catch up with the others.n so i didnt take part in sports day for the whole 4 yrs. then u noe the sports ppl were to get selected to rep sch for intersch track meet. amg the 12 vballers, im the only one who the teacher-in-charge left out. he said it was an ACCIDENT. i tot, WHO ARE U TRYING TO KID? so coincidental one meh?! when the other 11 of them went to JJ to learn the proper techniques for their event, i was picking balls for my jnrs can. i was ALONE. where do u expect me to put my face?! ive got my pride too u noe. THANKS Ms Ng for doing the ONLY best thing u have ever done. it was to choose me to get into the volleyball team. without u doing that, i can never ever meet my wonderful frens, many still close to me after 8 yrs. =) THANKS Ms Ng for putting me thru such trauma. becos of tis experience, i guess i've grownup abit. i learnt that ppl can be EVIL. THANKS Ms Ng for letting my childlike me disappear tat early on. THANKS for letting me see the ugly side of the adult world. jus THANKS ALOT for putting me thru that CRAP.
i was a flag-raiser/lowerer for my 4 yrs. it was an honour. i didnt noe who chose to slot my name in for tat but im glad u did! =) it was special, each yr had only 2. i was one of them. YAY! becos of that, i didnt have to sing the national anthem, ever. hehe... but sad to say, i dun really noe how to sing it now. i didnt work as hard as i could have in sec1-2, busy with my vb i guess. i went to class 3/1,4/1. in academic terms, it was the worst kind of class, but in there i met my other grp of best frens. we worked hard together and had fun together. they were guys again. Shah and Eusoff and Kwaylin and Seow. but im better with Shah n Seow. Together we make JSS. Jin,Shah,Seow. haa.thou we have more or less drifted apart now but i noe deep down in our hearts we will be the best of frens. i still remember the times we spent studying together at NYCC. it was a gd memory, we sprinted to the finish together, with helping hands here and there, from time to time.
i got into Jurong Junior College then. I had the bestest 2 yrs of my schooling life. it rocked! i was in 02S19. see! i still remember! i hung out with this clique, all girls. we were mad. we were always almost late for lects, we were rushing ard. we had fun. we enjoyed ourselves tremendously! it was also in jc which the teacher, MrTay gave me a chance to prove my worth in Vb. i got into main6! hehe. tat was one of my proudest moment. finally i didnt have to pick balls. i had a chance to shine. i guess i sorta shone for a while but im not greedy.that will be a memory i would treasure forever. my team for j1nj2 didnt win anyting. i was a slight disappoinment. we were SO CLOSE in yr1. but it doesnt matter cos i know i had sweated and worked for it. it was effort.(not in the ball-picking sense.) it was someting i did, not lending someone else's name and getting the honour too. i oso got into SPore Combined Schs team for 1 yr. tat was another PROUD MOMENT. from diggin with the chickens to finally being able to be an eagle and soar the skies, even for a while was good enuf for me. i got a WEST ZONE and SCH COLORS for it. that was an achievement, all by myself. =) i oso had a bunch of great snrs in VB and im glad to god for putting them in my path. they made vb sessions even more enjoyable. =) i oso met my boy in J1. he was my snr. he's sweet and lovely and he makes a good companion. we are still together after 4yrs. its a long time and i hope to have a lovely ending to it. (or not end at all!) =) i love u!
then. i tried, thou lookin back i could have tried even even harder. i didnt get into local U and tats a major regret for me. if only i had put in more effort in studying. if only i didnt sleep for that extra 2hrs. if only. if only. i wasnt lazy but i could have been more hardworking i guess. its a huge pity i didnt make it to local U. it has always been my dream and it still is. to feed my ego, i might consider taking a post-grad degree after i grade from UWA to say i ever grad from a local U. call me brand-conscious. call me silly. but to satisfy my ego and do tis which is wat i have always wanted, i really might. jus indulge in me, ppl and not be so quick to judge - im sure u have tings u MUST do anyway. mine is jus to graduate from a local U. =)
now im in UWA and ive got my own life here. ive got great frens, ppl i MUS mention are Esther n Jean. thanks for being there when i needed it. thanks to HM family. u guys really helped me fit in better. thanks to the currie hallers, for providing the company i needed, home away from home. frens who live out, Sam and gang , thanks for the fun times we had! ive got tons of names here, u guys noe who u r! if i left anybody out, its unintentional. i swear!
now, im 21 yrs old and counting... life goes on. no time for regrets because life can only be understood backwards but mus be lived forwards. tings will happen. "Moments"will occur. Shit will happen.
Let me have the strength to deal with all of them. and may tings be smooth-sailing for me and everyone else.
Love ya all. and for anyone reading tis post, thanks for stayin with me thru-out! its a long long LONG post! heh

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 4:39 pm.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

As i look back on my 21 yrs...

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 4:39 pm.