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Sunday, September 11, 2005

NOSTALGIA

Supposed to be studyin now.. have got an OB quiz to do before tonight.. but here i am.. on the internet.. was browsing thru friendster jus now.... reading ppl's profiles and looking at the pictures... there were 2 pictures that made my heart ache. it hurts so badly but at the same time u noe there is nothing u can do about it.. what is in the past will not come back to u, no matter how hard u wan it to. time will continue to come and go, no matter how much we want it to stop. we can never turn back the clock, regardless of how hard we wish it to be... Treasure Every Moment, because never in this life will the same situations happen in the same settings, with the same set of ppl and the same feelings. things change, ppl change.. we age with time and in the end, we only have our memories to remind us of the happier times and the sad.
the 1st picture i came across was a picture from Huiyi's friendster.. we were not close at all, but tats not the zhong dian. the zhong dian is, she was Hanting's ex-classmate, who is my cuz. she posted a picture of her, Hanting and their group of frens, with the picture titled, "Hanting's 22nd Birthday" or someting like that... when i saw Hanting's face, i dun noe y but tears came to my eyes. its like seeing a familiar face suddenly and for a moment, i did not know how to react. That's when i realised, thou i have been here for 1 sem le, and the 2nd sem is underway, this feeling seemed to be.... Homesick. or a better word, nostalgia.
The 2nd pic that i saw was from xiuyi's friendster. i wasnt close to her at all too... but she is my eternal idol cos she plays vball so damn well.. i tink i am her fan or someting like tat lor.. (n no, i am not a lesbian). was jus lookin at the pictures she posted and i saw this picture of her with a whole group of ppl, wearing vball attire, no doubt taken b4 or after some training or comp. in the pic, i saw her and a few of my juniors. that picture represented a life i always desperately wished i had/can live but no... i didnt get my wish in the end and now this wish shall never be fulfilled. because i am here. because i am not living a normal singapore vb girl life. i am living a life as a foreign student in some foreign country with foreign frens and food. vballers i noe, they are still playing vb. i dunno if its cos its their passion or watsoever but the fact is, they are living a life i wished to bits i was living. they are studyin in the day and training in the nite. they are training to towards a goal. the inter-varsity games. thinking back, i always looked forward to training and there was never a time i loath training.. and the tougher the training got, the happier i am... i am not mad but i am jus savouring the good times i am having...to appreciate the feeling and enjoying the feeling to the max. mayb it was then i already noe that my vb training and playing games days were to end soon... call me vain, but i really like to wear the vb shorts and jersey... (san jiao ku), cos wearing tat makes me feel i am really living and breathing the sport i love so much. its jus the proper attire and it gets me into the proper mood. but never will i get to wear the same attire with the same group of girls, working towards the same goal. be it the sec sch team or the jc team, it doesnt matter. no matter how outcast i was in any point of time, it was with U Girls that i feel i truly belonged. Thanks to everyone who, at some point in my v lousy and somewat limited sporting life, gave me an encouraging word or phrase or look. thanks to all my beloved teammates who made me feel a sense of belonging and even for a while, a sense of security because i noe in the end, it is vb that will bind us all together.. the days in JSS vb team... even thou i was a ballpicker,i had fun with the frens i made and during the training sessions where i wasnt condemned by the coach or teacher. we always had the same uniform or the more correct word would be attire, down to our socks and shoes.. we were not an uniform group, but i feel we are more "uniform" than any uniformed group in sch. i could always walk ard in sch with my head up, cos i noe WE were somebody. I may b a ballpicker, but i am still part of the vb team. the days in JJC vb team... yr1 was the best yr that could ever happen to me.. it was the yr i was actually playing in the team.. not jus a ballpicker... it felt great. we were not so uniformed and not so united but there were tis bunch of us who were from jss and we looked out for each other and bonded with each other. we did not get nearly as far as the JSS team but we were happy. i was happy. i managed to stay with the combined schs for a while and it was a terrific feelin as it is a form of recognition, even for a while. yr2 wasnt that great. i got injured b4 the start of the games and tings have never been the same as the yr before... i lost my touch, or wats little of my touch, and i couldnt find it back in time for the games.. i didnt play much in yr2. it was sad.. its over now.. all these times... but sometimes, i will accidentally tink about and it will sometimes bring a smile to my face... sometimes a slight tear to my eye... it is over... but still... memories are wat linger.... like the musty smell of the locker rooms... u can detect a faint smell there, even when the balls and shoes and kneepads have been vacated.....

NOSTALGIA
1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. The condition of being homesick; homesickness.
(thanks to Dictionary.com)
A perfect description of wat i am/was feeling... thou i cant decide if i a feelin more of "A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past" or " Homesick"...
guess they both are about the same... but, to me... its 2 different thing and feeling altogether....

You Are Unique, Just Like Everyone Else. 7:21 pm.
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